Cheating While Deployed?

Okay I know this is kind of a taboo subject in the military, but I think we all kind of know that it happens. I have never been deployed, but I have heard the stories. My husband and I have been married 6 years and are going into our first deployment. We are deploying w/the same BDE, but not going to the same area of the country with little hope of seeing each other during the year-long deployment. Our marriage is not the best, we have legally separated and almost filed for divorce. There's never been physical cheating in our marriage, but emotional cheating. I am having some issues as it gets close to time for him to leave b/c 1., He is in a BSB and there's tons of females. 2., The last time we separated he showed an interest in one of the females he works with. No, he has not been in any type of contact w/her outside of work since we decided to stay together, but I am still worried he is attracted to her. I guess my question to the married soldiers, and any spouses that may be on here, is how do you go through deployments worrying about this kind of thing? Or stop worrying about it? I'm a spouse, but I'm also a soldier and I see how a lot of male and female soldiers act and it's pretty bad, so it's not like I can pretend the shit doesn't happen. Any advice or experience any of you can share for this situation?
Original Post
Sorry to hear your problems CPL, when my wife was in the military I was jealous, scared, ect at the beginning when we were dating when she went to JRTC, rumors flew because that's what they do. Drama, ect, but after JRTC our relationship strengthened because of the seperation.

When I deployed, my wife ETS'd out of the Army because she did her time in Korea and came to FT drum to serve her last two years.

During this time, she was scared, jealous, ect that I was cheating on her, I could tell the way she talked, because it was our first deployment I know she was scared. But like JRTC, since I've been back our relationship has grown stronger.

We've been together for 2 1/2 years now, and we still have our jealous immature spats, but stick strong, if you love him and he loves you, then you should try to stop worrying.

Pretty much stop worrying, if he cheats on you then you will probably find out, either he will tell you or someone else will.

Also, your going to be very busy out there Corporal, it will help you keep your mind off of that, focus on the Army, your husband will be taken care of, if he has good Leadership they will put a foot in his ass if he has any extramartial affairs!
quote:
Originally posted by LBeezy:
Sorry to hear your problems CPL, when my wife was in the military I was jealous, scared, ect at the beginning when we were dating when she went to JRTC, rumors flew because that's what they do. Drama, ect, but after JRTC our relationship strengthened because of the seperation.

When I deployed, my wife ETS'd out of the Army because she did her time in Korea and came to FT drum to serve her last two years.

During this time, she was scared, jealous, ect that I was cheating on her, I could tell the way she talked, because it was our first deployment I know she was scared. But like JRTC, since I've been back our relationship has grown stronger.

We've been together for 2 1/2 years now, and we still have our jealous immature spats, but stick strong, if you love him and he loves you, then you should try to stop worrying.

Pretty much stop worrying, if he cheats on you then you will probably find out, either he will tell you or someone else will.

Also, your going to be very busy out there Corporal, it will help you keep your mind off of that, focus on the Army, your husband will be taken care of, if he has good Leadership they will put a foot in his ass if he has any extramartial affairs!


Thanks for sharing, I think a lot of couples in the military go through this, and you are so right about the rumors! There are very few females in our BN so people like to make all kinds of things up about us. It's very entertaining to read about yourself on the male latrine wall lol. My husband worries about me as well b/c I'm in a Field Artillery BN and he thinks combat arms guys are somehow worse than guys in support MOS's (I think they're all just as bad as one another) and he is jealous as well. We are both pretty jealous people in general I guess. We are trying to rebuild our relationship, we got off track when we first got here so we're trying to start over and right before a deployment is an awful time to do that.

But you are right, if he's going to, he's going to, and knowing him if he does he will fall in love and want to marry her so I will definitely find out about it! I have had spouses ask me to "watch" their husbands on field problems before so I guess I'm going to have to pick out someone in his platoon to ask to keep an eye on him! Fortunately, most everyone in his platoon are older, married guys (not to say they aren't dirty asses too) but I feel better than if he were deploying w/a bunch of single guys. In any case, thanks for sharing your experience SGT "Beezy" lol I am hoping we come through this strong.
The truth of the matter is that if he is going to cheat, he's going to do it whether he is deployed or in garrison. The only thing I can tell you is to try and not think about it (I know its easier said than done) but cross that bridge when and if that situation arises. I'm sure your marriage and trying to keep it together based on your history with him is important to you but focus on going down range, accomplishing the mission and getting back safely to the person who needs you most in this world, YOUR SON! If you start thinking and worrying about the "what ifs" that can happen, you are going to stress yourself out and end up having a very long and miserable year down range. Good luck and be safe out there!
quote:
Originally posted by EX-BUDGETSSG:
The truth of the matter is that if he is going to cheat, he's going to do it whether he is deployed or in garrison. The only thing I can tell you is to try and not think about it (I know its easier said than done) but cross that bridge when and if that situation arises. I'm sure your marriage and trying to keep it together based on your history with him is important to you but focus on going down range, accomplishing the mission and getting back safely to the person who needs you most in this world, YOUR SON! If you start thinking and worrying about the "what ifs" that can happen, you are going to stress yourself out and end up having a very long and miserable year down range.


Thanks SSG, a lot of my stress right now is coming from him getting ready to leave within days and we just back from block leave and left our son. Aside from the what, 17 days I spent away from him for WLC this is the first time I've left my son and it's really taking an emotional toll on me. He was very unhealthy when he was born and he almost passed away, so I am very close to him and scared to leave him. It's multiplying all of my problems by 10 right now. Frowner
I understand, that is why focusing on making it back safely needs to be #1 on your list, then worry about what your husband is or isn't doing.

Also, just some tips from one mom to another. If you don't have one, set-up a skype account for you and whoever is keeping your son. Then once you get down range and know what your work schedule will be like, come up with a schedule to video chat with him a few nights a week before he goes to bed which will be early morning for you. Another thing you can do if you have time before you leave or you can even do it when you get down range is recording yourself reading some childrens books and send them to him. His care provider can play them for him on the nights you can't skype or call him, hearing your voice will help soothe him with the transition of you not being there.
Normally I would say, long term relationships are where trust comes in, but it appears you don't have that luxury.

I have seen a good Soldier go mad (crazy and literally kill themselves) overseas from relationships gone bad, and others come waay too close. Frankly I would try to call it quits before the deployment, and the whole experience will be that much more enjoyable.

I fully understand that crap is easier said than done. But, if it is a headache now, it will only get worse.

I hope you guys have separate accounts.
My advice is #1 keep your marriage issues to yourself, you are starting to disclose a little too much on this forum. If you were my wife, I would be pissed that you felt the need to put personal issues out for the world to see.

If you guys are having issues or had issues, there is always sometype of counseling within the military or outside the military.

If you want this marraige to work go above and beyond to do so, webcam, skype and hoping on convoys to go to visit if the commander approves.

As someone mentioned, if he wants to cheat he will, if you guys are having trust issues, try and fix asap.

Whatever you do, avoid arguments, esp when deployed cause you can push him or he can push you to do something you regret due to the heat of the moment. Be passive on topics that aren't important, try and be the best wife you can, that's really all you can do right?

Best of luck
quote:
Originally posted by ArmyWife~N~Soldier:
quote:


I hope you guys have separate accounts.


Always.


OK, yea that statement says it all. I always find it odd when married couples, "a family" has separate accounts, I could see transfering money into an account for personal spending money but when money is separate, I dunno.

I live by this and this is fact 3 things that end commonly end marriages

1. Money
2. Lack of Trust (this comes from cheating or constant lying)
3. Bad sex ( sex gets too routine, this leads to cheating sometimes)

some of you may not believe me but this true in many cases
quote:
Originally posted by seven0821:
quote:
Originally posted by ArmyWife~N~Soldier:
quote:


I hope you guys have separate accounts.


Always.


OK, yea that statement says it all. I always find it odd when married couples, "a family" has separate accounts, I could see transfering money into an account for personal spending money but when money is separate, I dunno.

I live by this and this is fact 3 things that end commonly end marriages

1. Money
2. Lack of Trust (this comes from cheating or constant lying)
3. Bad sex ( sex gets too routine, this leads to cheating sometimes)

some of you may not believe me but this true in many cases


Separate accounts just works for us, and we've never seen a reason to change it. I guess #2 just bit us in the ass. Plus, we got married young and didn't know each other well enough. That always causes problems.
Best thing to do is trust him. When he betrays that trust. Axe him! Nobody deserves to or has to put up with anyones crap in their life. Lawyers were created for this purpose. Seperate accounts is already lack of trust plus you could have taken his money as well if you ever did leave. Joint accounts are awesome! Lastly dont listen to half this stuff on here or it will only get worse. Just go with whats in your heart and mind. Other than that have a great flippin day!
quote:
Originally posted by EX-BUDGETSSG:
I understand, that is why focusing on making it back safely needs to be #1 on your list, then worry about what your husband is or isn't doing.

Also, just some tips from one mom to another. If you don't have one, set-up a skype account for you and whoever is keeping your son. Then once you get down range and know what your work schedule will be like, come up with a schedule to video chat with him a few nights a week before he goes to bed which will be early morning for you. Another thing you can do if you have time before you leave or you can even do it when you get down range is recording yourself reading some childrens books and send them to him. His care provider can play them for him on the nights you can't skype or call him, hearing your voice will help soothe him with the transition of you not being there.


Thanks again, SSG. I left him with my MIL back in December, and have seen him a couple of times since then, so we have been doing Skype. It helps a lot. I will definitely record myself reading some of his favorite books, that is a great idea. He loved for me to read to him Frowner

You are right about being safe and keeping my mind in the game. We were on much worse terms during JRTC but as soon as I was at work, my mind was on just that. So I'm hoping that once I get over there the same will happen.
Army wife I understand separate accounts might work for you guys but whose to say a joint account wouldn't either, the problem is joint accounts force people to work together financially and takes some getting use to. Just the fact of have separate accounts says so much about your relationship, such as lack of trust of whose spending what and how much and you guys want some type of privacy and independency when it comes to money. It proves you guys hold money in a very high place, probably above your each other and a conflict based off money could easily end your relationship. Joining accounts is the same as moving in together. You become 1, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.

I bet if you had joined accounts, you'd be able to see if he was blowing money on some slut, lol.
quote:
Originally posted by seven0821:
Army wife I understand separate accounts might work for you guys but whose to say a joint account wouldn't either, the problem is joint accounts force people to work together financially and takes some getting use to. Just the fact of have separate accounts says so much about your relationship, such as lack of trust of whose spending what and how much and you guys want some type of privacy and independency when it comes to money. It proves you guys hold money in a very high place, probably above your each other and a conflict based off money could easily end your relationship. Joining accounts is the same as moving in together. You become 1, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.

I bet if you had joined accounts, you'd be able to see if he was blowing money on some slut, lol.


Part of the reason for the separate accounts is this: I am big on being financially independent. I had people in my life growing up who were quick to remind me who was paying for my clothes, the roof over my head, my school field trips, etc. My parents fought over who would pay for what, and me and my siblings were always very aware that we were a financial burden on the unlucky parent stuck w/the bill. As a result, I feel very beholding to anyone who pays my bills. You may say that since we are married we should share bills, and in some ways we do. He pays his cell phone, his truck payment and insurance, and half the rent. And he pays for the satellite. I pay my car payment, my insurance, my cell phone, and for the internet in the house. We each pay half on the rent. Now if one of us gets in the hole of course we back each other up and pick up slack for the other one. If something unexpected comes up, whoever has it pays for it. We take turns paying for meals when we go out to eat. If he wants to buy extra things for himself, or shit for his truck, or new clothes, he pays for it out of his account and vice versa. If one of us really needed something or was low on cash, the other helps out. So we do work as a team, in ways that go WAY beyond paying the bills. We raise our son together, and that has been a very extraordinary task. In fact when he was born, his doctors told us that people who have been married 10 or 15 years don't make it through what we have. I judge our ability to work together and depend on one another as a team by the kid who's still alive when many other like him aren't, not by who's name is on the bank account. I am much more comfortable with the separate accounts b/c I NEVER want anyone to be able to say to me "You owe me" or "I pay your bills". That's just me. Is it a trust issue as well? Yes. I don't ever want him to get pissed off and clean me out. I've seen it happen to tooo many people in the Army.
I hate to sound like a jerk when that is not my intentions but hey, it is what it is.

Just like you said, you guys are a team and that's it because a marriage is so much more. You guys are two people who have conceived a child together and living under the same roof calling yourself married. Your situation seems besides missing the sex, if you divorce your relationship wouldn't change because you already live separate lives

Your guys marriage is temporary based off your military career, you guys ETS, you wouldn't last 1 month.

How long do you plan on being married? Do you guys even have a savings, because when you plan on being together forever, that's how you live every aspect of your life. You have seen people in the Army get cleaned out because people in the army marry for all the wrong reasons, *hint*
Agreed on wrong reasons for some marriages. One of my wife and I's savings accounts are joint, but most of our paychecks go into our own savings/retirement/checking.

With that said we split many bills and NEVER argue about money, I don't think its bad for even a great relationship, let alone a rocky one.
I've had a joint account my entire marriage (1997).

I've actually found it easier to have different accounts while deployed. We both have access to both accounts. But I'm forgetful and don't tell her if I spent money, and she spends almost everything before the next check.

So I have an allotment of $350/month going to our "old" account (with Visa debit cards). The rest goes to USAA, which is good about tranferring money between the two accounts (if we need to.)

Money can become a big issue in marriage- but it's not about the money. It's about communicating
-her "honey I need money for diapers"
-him "why do you always spend so much?"
-her "we spend xx on yy, bb on cc, etc.."
-him *understands and is involved in finances*

It's also about SELFISHNESS. If one spouse is buying stuff they want but the other doesn't get some of the stuff they want, jealousy and resentment creep in.

So it's best to make a budget, communicate, and live within that budget. Remember, the key to financial happiness is Spend Less than you Make.

-----------------------------------------------------

In another company of our deployed BDE a male formerly married SGT was just demoted to SPC and the formerly married PFC is now a PVT. They're not married to each other and shouldn't have been messing with each other.

There are plenty of people who do things they shouldn't- my spouse and I have been happily married since 1997 and 2 deployments with no cheating. (that I know of, knock on wood....)

People who want to cheat will cheat, those who don't want to won't. It's all about staying away from the temptation, I don't hang out with women alone, she doesn't have any guy friends she gets real close to alone.
Well first I want to let you know the Army does not see legal separation. You are either divorsed, single, or married so I would not cheat because, you can be convicted of Adultry. It is a tuff situation though my last deployment my wife was a soldier also but she was in the rear and i had to try to live with the stress of wondering what she was doing but come to find out she was cheating and actualy got pregnant from him while i was gone so it does suck. The best way i felt to deal with it is keep your mind on the mission i spent all my time working hard and working on promotion. Keep your peers close and youll be just fine. Mind over matter
You are not too bright are you?

Yes, of course I opened the thread, at the time not realizing that you leaked your most personal buisness onto a public forum.

I simply responded it's sloppy of you to have done so. You're probably the same kind of Leader that discloses this kind of information to your subordinates. You'd probably even drag your superiors into and then generate a perception about yourself and then wonder why your leadership would find you incompetent and incapiable.

My advice was keep your personal issues, personal. You should adhere to it.
quote:
Originally posted by TheBarbarian1532:
You are not too bright are you?

Yes, of course I opened the thread, at the time not realizing that you leaked your most personal buisness onto a public forum.

I simply responded it's sloppy of you to have done so. You're probably the same kind of Leader that discloses this kind of information to your subordinates. You'd probably even drag your superiors into and then generate a perception about yourself and then wonder why your leadership would find you incompetent and incapiable.

My advice was keep your personal issues, personal. You should adhere to it.


I'm just bored and want to argue. I'm not sure I care who knows...our divorce is almost final already. His entire bn knew before I did anyway, so the cat is beyond out of the bag. But in any case, no, I wouldn't tell my Soldiers this kind of stuff unless they were in a similar situation and needed guidance.

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