97E3L00PF, just replying `cuz you asked. I am by no means an NCOER expert (never written one myself).
Quantitative statements should always be preferred over qualitative.
o conducted rigorous physical training resulting in three of her four Soldiers achieving APFT scores over 270
Good example. A squad average might have been used instead. Remember that Army writing should be short and to the point.
o stressed career development by encouraging and assisting two Soldiers in continuing their civilian education
How much education? How did the NCO help?
o emphasized safety throughout the unit's redeployment resulting in 100% accident free movement
o relied upon by the Company leadership to accomplish tough tasks with short suspenses
"Company leadership" could probably be replaced by "Commander", "tough tasks" is subjective.
o mentored and encouraged a newly assigned Soldier on the Army Weight Program to reach his authorized body fat percentage
Something like "administered a weight control program within her squad resulting in 100% compliance with Army standards". Don't tell stories.
He wrote: He deleted my bullet, and replaced it with: "o never backed down from a challenge"
So? Is that noteworthy? was the NCO ever challenged?
o sacrificed personal time to look after Soldiers' well being
And he bothered to write this down? What about the soldier's well being needed looking after?
o always maintained 100% accountability of Soldiers
This kind of works.
o excels in the absence of orders and guidance
How do we know this? Tarrot cards? Numerology? or did the soldier demonstrate it during the rated period? Excels in what way? Subjective term again.
I wrote: "Service School Instructor"
He replaced with: "Platoon Sergeant"
Is this for current or recommended position?
As far as the rating chain issues, I can't speak with authority on what input the CSM should or should not have. For me, I would submit it the way I wanted it and take into consideration the opinions of others (participative leadership). I wouldn't let someone outside of the rating chain write it for me.